'Allo 'Allo! (series 2)

The second series of the British sitcom series 'Allo 'Allo! contains six episodes which first aired between 21 October and 25 November 1985 and a Christmas special, which aired on 26 December 1985.

Series 2 sees the arrival of Officer Crabtree, played by Arthur Bostrom and the Gestapo officer Herr Engelbert Von Smallhausen, played by John Louis Mansi. The first Christmas special was commissioned, and aired shortly after the second series. This shows the then rising popularity of the show.

The following episode names are the ones found on the British R2 DVDs with alternate region titles given below them.

Series No. Episode No. Episode title Original UK airdate
2.01 9 Six Big Boobies 21 October 1985[1]
2.02 10 The Wooing of Widow Artois 28 October 1985[2]
2.03 11 The Policeman Cometh 4 November 1985[3]
2.04 12 Swiftly and with Style 11 November 1985[4]
2.05 13 The Duel 18 November 1985[5]
2.06 14 Herr Flick's Revenge 25 November 1985[6]
Christmas Special 15 The Gâteau from the Château 26 December 1985[7]

Six Big Boobies

At the beginning of the episode, we are informed that the two British airmen have been hidden by the resistance in a nearby nunnery. René has been "shot dead" and is now posing as his own twin brother, so Edith - who is now a widow - is looking for his will. René is not worried that she will find it, because he has hidden it in their cuckoo clock - but she does find it. It leaves everything he owns to her, except a billiard table (for Maria) and a couch (for Yvette). Since lieutenant Gruber has arrived, they have to play along with the charade. After they have had a toast to René's memory, Edith takes some money from the till to buy herself a new hat.

As Edith leaves, colonel Von Strohm and captain Geering show up at the café. First, the colonel asks Gruber to move his armoured car because it is in his parking place; second, he complains to Hans that he has sat down before he has - a colonel does everything before a captain; and third he tries to blackmail René into giving him the names of the resistance girls, by telling him that now that Herr Flick has the painting, René does not have a hold on him anymore. However, René counters this by saying he has written a letter - signed by the whole village - about how the two officers have helped the resistance blow up the railway. If René should be arrested, this letter will be handed over to Herr Flick. However, he tells him that the airmen are gone, which satisfies him.

Helga visits Herr Flick at his headquarters. First, he tells her to wipe her lips, after which she is allowed to kiss him. Then, he shows her the three paintings of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies, all hanging on the wall, framed. The real one is to provide for them after the war, when they are married. As Helga tells him she already has a sweetheart in the army, he replies "Give me his name, rank and serial number and he will not be a problem." On the other hand, she says, he has not got Herr Flick's dominating nature. Then Herr Flick informs her of the problem: as a peasant was tidying up his office, the paintings were mixed up and now he does not know which is the real one and which are the forgeries. He asks her to find somebody who can determine which is the real one. The forger himself cannot do it, since he is unavailable (he "accidentally" fell out of a Gestapo car, onto the railway line and was run over by the Berlin express).

René and Maria agree to rendezvous in the broom cupboard under the stairs in ten minutes. Then, Edith comes down the stairs wearing some fine clothes and her new hat - which René thinks looks like a dead hen. Monsieur LeClerc and madame Fanny have also dressed up and the three of them - Fanny in her wheelchair - start walking around the village for Edith to attract suitors.

Meanwhile, René and Maria meet in the broom cupboard. Since René and Edith are no longer officially married, she asks him if he will not marry her instead. However, he says he must first find a way to get his money and his café back from Edith. After this little meeting, he goes into the backroom, where he finds Yvette. She also asks him to marry her and he gives her the same answer. They have a little cuddle, but are interrupted by Michelle's knocking on the window. She tells them that the airmen have left the nunnery since the Germans came looking for them. They are now on the run and need a place to hide. René does not want them, but the next moment, they both show up - dressed as nuns. When René asks Michelle to drive them away, she demands, at gunpoint, that he hide them somewhere in his house. Suddenly, they hear a car coming and it turns out it is the two German officers. Since the airmen cannot go out the back way (then they would be discovered by the driver of the car) and not through the café (since the officers are approaching), they and René get down on their knees, singing "Ave Maria" to pretend they are praying, with Yvette also joining, standing up. The Germans ask Maria for René. They ask if he is in the backroom and when she says no, the colonel decides they will wait for him in there. As they enter and find René, Yvette and the nuns singing, Yvette explains they are having a service for René's brother. Finally, the colonel can say what he has come for, namely that Helga has been instructed to take Gruber to Herr Flick's headquarters and the colonel is worried that he knows something about their doings. René assures him that he does not know anything. Then the Germans leave.

Helga informs Herr Flick that she has searched Lieutenant Gruber's record and has found out he once attended an art gallery. Herr Flick decides to question him about this and Gruber is brought into his office - stuffed in a big sack. As he is taken out of the sack, Herr Flick first asks him to identify the real painting, which is no problem. Then, he makes sure that Gruber will not say anything to anybody, by taking a picture of him being kissed and cuddled by a very lightly clad Helga. As Gruber is a homosexual, this becomes very painful to him.

In the café, Yvette and Maria inform Michelle that they have hidden the airmen in a very safe place. Edith, Fanny and Monsieur LeClerc come home after their long promenade around the village. Edith has attracted some suitors and three of them have even given her their card. As the guests start arriving for the evening, Edith intends to sing for them, but as Monsieur LeClerc is about to start playing the piano, he cannot get a tune out of it - there are just "ooh" and "ouch" coming out of it. It turns out the airmen - still dressed as nuns - are hiding inside it. When a few Germans ask her to sing "Lili Marleen", Monsieur LeClerc asks the airmen to hum it. In order to hide from the colonel and the captain that the piano is not playing, René gives them cheese to stuff in their ears and he and Yvette join Edith in the singing.

The Wooing of Widow Artois

René enters the café with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. He is about to use them to woo Edith, because marrying her is the only way for him to get "his" café back. When Edith comes in, dressed in cleaning clothes and smoking a cigarette, she does not know what he is up to and when he wants to give her the flowers, she becomes suspicious. When she begins to understand what René is doing, she asks him to do it standing on his knees. He does this behind the bar and at that very moment, a midget enters the café, also to woo Edith. She rejects him, but he thinks René is also a midget and gets annoyed when he finds out he is not. When he has left, René asks Edith to drop the charade and just agree to announce their engagement, so that they can get married and things can get back to normal. However, Edith does not want to, since she enjoys being wooed by all her different suitors. Before they can discuss the matter further, Maria shows up and announces that Michelle is in the backroom, wanting to speak to them. She tells René and Edith that the airmen will be taken away from the café that same night and that Monsieur LeClerc will show up with further instructions.

The three of them go upstairs to Fanny's room. There they get the airmen, still dressed as nuns, down from the attic, where they have been hiding, through the hatch door in Fanny's room. Suddenly, the knobs on Fanny's bed start flashing, which is indicates that London is calling on the new radio. After a few misunderstandings (both "Nighthawk" and London are speaking plainly, but the other end thinks they are speaking in code) they get note that there will be a plane coming to pick up the airmen that same night.

Herr Flick pays an unexpected visit to the German officers' headquarters. Helga (who is their secretary) informs him that the colonel and the captain are absent. Herr Flick says he knows this and then secretly shows her something. On his person, underneath his big cloak, he has three knockwurst sausages hidden. He puts them on her table, explaining that one of them contains the original painting, one of them contains the forged painting (he has had the second forgery burned) and the third one is to be their dinner. He instructs Helga to give the forgery to colonel Von Strohm, who will give it to Hitler, while they will keep the original to sell after the war. She is to give the knockwurst containing the original, marked with a little svastika, to René in order for him to hang it in his larder with the other sausages there. The third one, they will consume that same night in the backroom of the café by candlelight.

René asks Yvette, who is kneading some bread dough, if the airmen are gone and she replies that Michelle has hidden them in a safe place. After she has told him his wife has gone to parade herself in the town square again, she asks when they will get married. When René tells her that he might have to marry Edith again, she threatens to kill herself. However, she calms down when he explains it is only for a short while, to get the café back. Then Maria enters and tells him lieutenant Gruber is in the café, wanting to give him a present.

Gruber gives him a cologne, which he thinks smells awful sprayed in the air, but not that bad applied to the skin. Colonel Kurt Von Strohm then calls for René to join him, captain Hans Geering and Helga at their table. She has already told René of Herr Flick's plan with the sausages, but she has also come up with their own plan to fool both Herr Flick and Hitler. The knockwurst containing no painting (the "empty" knockwurst), René will cook for her and Herr Flick's dinner. The knockwurst with the original painting (the "real" knockwurst), he will hide in his cellar. The knockwurst with the forgery (the "forged" knockwurst), they will mark with a svastika similar to the one on the real knockwurst and it will be hidden in René's larder. Finally, they will put another empty knockwurst, without any painting in it, on the train to Berlin, but the resistance will be told there are vital military supplies on the train and they will blow it up. René is to tell the resistance, otherwise he will be shot. Helga puts a svastika mark on the forged knockwurst and takes that one and the empty one into the kitchen. However, before they can do anything else, Gruber joins them at the table. They hide the real knockwurst from him, under the table. Soon, Herr Flick enters the café and asks if his instructions have been carried out, which they assure him they have. The colonel passes the knockwurst on to the captain (under the table), who passes it on to René, who passes it on to lieutenant Gruber. When Herr Flick asks them to join him in a toast, Gruber, being homosexual, is absent-minded, distracted by holding the big knockwurst.

At that moment, Edith comes home from her parade and soon afterwards, Monsieur LeClerc enters the café, disguised as a "simple farm hand". As he wants something to drink, René gives him a beer. However, he finds the stench of the farm hand even worse than the cologne Gruber gave him and spreads some of it on LeClerc, which makes him sneeze and spill his beer. He tells René that the airmen will be picked up at two o'clock in the morning and that he and the others should be at farmer Claude's farm at one o'clock. René tells him to reply to Michelle that they are not coming. However, Edith thinks he is a coward and will refuse to marry him if he goes on like that. She tells Monsieur LeClerc to tell Michelle that they will be there.

Herr Flick and Helga are having their private dinner in the backroom, but after a while, when Helga does not want any more knockwurst, the decide to leave and Yvette brings them the bill. After they have left, late at night, Edith, René, Yvette and Maria lock up the café and sneak through the town square, until they are approached by Michelle. She takes them to the well in the square, where her assistant Henriette hands them a basket each, as they will pose as mushroom pickers. Henriette also gives them a loaded gun each.

When Helga and Herr Flick have reached his headquarters, a thunderstorm breaks out. He allows her briefly to shelter under the brim of his hat, but after she has kissed him he bids her good night and leaves her in the rain to get home on her own.

When Michelle and the others reach the farm, they seek cover from the rain in the barn. There, they find Monsieur LeClerc, disguised as a "simple milk maid". The plan is for them to take the cows out, so the airmen have been disguised in a cow suit. Under this cover, they all head for the field where the plane will land.

The Policeman Cometh

René, Edith, Yvette, Maria, Michelle and Henriette are all out at night, posing as mushroom pickers, while Monsieur LeClerc is posing as a milk maid who is to take the cows (one of which is the British airmen disguised as a cow) to the field. The cows are stopped by a German patrol in need of some milk. While everybody except LeClerc hides, one of the German soldiers is about to milk the "airman cow", but is prevented by two German officers arriving on a motorcycle and ordering the patrol back to their duty. René, having watched from a distance, is so afraid he has eaten a toadstool.

At that moment, they hear the plane coming to pick up the airmen. However, it does not land but drops two parachutes, one of which holds a package, the other holding a person. They run toward the landing place and find the person, a man (officer Crabtree), hanging from a tree, dressed as a gendarme (French policeman). He explains he is a British spy, sent to "try out a new escape pack". The airmen in the cow suit sit down to wait while the others decide what to do. After they have managed to get Crabtree down, Michelle asks why the English have sent another Englishmen. Crabtree explains that it is because he speaks French. This makes everybody rather impressed, but as he speaks more, it turns out that his French accent is horrible. His first words are: "Ah have brung grootings from British ontelligence headquitters. Ah am disgeezed as poloceman so Ah am oble to mauve aboot with complate froedom." Michelle says they will tell everybody that he comes from a remote village in the country, to make up for his bad French. René jokes that it must be on the outskirts of Peking. Monseiur LeClerc and Henriette bring the package dropped in the other parachute. The policeman explains it is the escape package, which René must hide in his cellar.

The next day, Helga comes into the officers' office and after telling the colonel that her mission is complete, she shows him the knockwurst she has concealed on her person. When Hans asks about this, she once again explains the plan with the knockwursts. Then, René shows up to inform them, that the resistance has refused to blow up the train on which the knockwurst will be sent. The reason, he informs them, is that they have a previous engagement to blow up a German ammunition lorry. However, he says he could ask the communist resistance, since they will do almost anything for money.

Monseiur LeClerc has taken Fanny for a walk (pushing her in her wheelchair) and when they return to the café, she wants to sit at a table outside it, having a few drinks. She explains that now that it is Edith's café, they can drink free. Meanwhile, René tries to arrange for the train to be blown up by the communist resistance, but their price is far too high. Monseiur LeClerc comes in to pour a glass of gin for Fanny, something that René does not like. However, Edith explains that it is now her gin, for her mother.

As Kurt, Hans and Helga enter the café, Kurt complains to Hubert that he has once again parked his armoured car in his parking place and Hubert apologises for this. When they tell René that the "normal" knockwurst has been place on the train, supervised by Herr Flick himself, René informs them that nobody will agree to blow it up. Things look very dark, but Helga comes up with a plan. They will steal Gruber's armoured car, use it to shoot at the ammunition on the train (next to which the knockwurst has been placed) and blame the resistance for blowing up the train. Some peasants will be shot as revenge, and everything will be back to normal. When they steal Gruber's car, he will think it is the resistance, some more peasants will be shot and that will be the end of it. The colonel decides that he, as an officer, cannot get involved in such a plan, but he will distract Gruber while Hans and René steal the car. René suggests that Hans and Helga do it, but Helga has an engagement with Herr Flick. As they have finished discussing the plan, Gruber comes to bid them good night. However, the colonel asks him not to go to bed that early. He invites him to the café for dinner at half past nine, which he accepts.

The new policeman enters the café and tells René that "the old lady" (Fanny) outside is drunk and is hitting customers with her walking stick. René runs out to find Monsieur LeClerc desperately trying to stop her. René also tries, but the two Germans who were about to come into the café leave. As Gruber is about to leave, he asks if he can give anyone a lift and the colonel tells him to give Hans a lift and let him play with his cannon (in order for him to get a feeling for how it works).

Herr Flick has forced Helga to stand in a corner for ten minutes for burning his toast. He then tries to decide what they should do. They could go to the movies or stay in his headquarters and listen to Hitler's speeches which, played at double speed, sound like Donald Duck, which Herr Flick finds "most amusing".

That same evening, Edith sings for the guests in the café. Lieutenant Gruber arrives and they put the plan into action. While the colonel and the lieutenant have dinner and the girls (Yvette and Maria) come sitting on their laps, René and Hans steal the car, with René driving and Hans being the lookout. At first, René mistakenly puts it in reverse and they drive over and mangle the colonel's car. Then they drive away towards the railway. Meanwhile, the policeman enters the café and informs everybody that the armoured car is being stolen. Gruber gets upset and telephones Herr Flick to report it.

Hans and René stop next to the railway line. When the train goes by, Hans makes two attempts to shoot the ammunition car, but misses both times, failing to hit anything with his first shot and then accidentally blowing up the signal box on his second attempt. The train has gone, and there is nothing for them to do but go home.

Swiftly and with Style

René and Hans are heading back towards the village in Gruber's armoured car. At the same time, Gruber, Von Strohm, Herr Flick and Helga leave the café in Herr Flick's car to look for Gruber's car. Edith, Yvette and Maria follow after on three bicycles.

Michelle and her resistance girls are waiting by the road to blow up the ammunition lorry which is supposed to come by. They place a road block in the shape of a haycart. Buried in the road next to it are some explosives, managed by a plunger which looks like an ordinary bicycle pump connected by a wire. After Michelle has given the airmen (still in the cow suit) a bar of chocolate to alleviate their hunger, they hear the armoured car approaching - from the opposite direction from that from which the ammunition lorry is supposed to come. Not knowing that René and Hans are inside, they start shooting at the car once it has stopped in front of the roadblock. Hans waves a white handkerchief to surrender and after the girls have stopped shooting, he and René come out of the car. Michelle thinks René has become a traitor and a collaborator, and it does not get better when Hans tries to explain that René has helped him to blow up the train - the one the resistance refused to blow up, because they were about to blow up an ammunition lorry. When Michelle says that is the reason they are there, Hans informs her that the Germans have cancelled it, once they found out from René the resistance were going to blow it up. When René tries to explain, they hear Herr Flick's car approaching and the girls flee.

Helga stops Herr Flick's car in front of the road block (just above the explosives buried in the road). Of course, Herr Flick is curious as to why they have stolen Gruber's car, but before they can explain, Helga fills in for them, saying they overheard the plot by the resistance to blow up the ammunition lorry and therefore borrowed the car and fought off the resistance. Gruber is somewhat upset that his car is covered in dents (from the shooting) and mud. Herr Flick is not entirely convinced - not even when the colonel finds proof in the shape of the plunger a few feet away. He says it is a common device used by the resistance to blow up things, but Herr Flick thinks it is an ordinary tire pump and pushes it - resulting in his blowing up his own car. Edith and the girls, who have just caught up with them, get their clothes blown to rags. Herr Flick, Helga, the colonel, the captain, the lieutenant, and René go home in Gruber's car, while Edith, Yvette and Maria follow on their bicycles. The two airmen, observing from a distance, follow, still dressed as a cow, on a tandem cycle.

Next morning at the café, René, Edith, Yvette and Maria are having a cup of tea. Suddenly, the colonel and the captain demand entrance - dressed as civilians, even wearing false moustaches. Since the plan to blow up the train has failed and Hitler will receive the empty sausage, they have decided to flee and want René's forger to forge papers for them. The next moment, there is another knock on the door and this time it is the police. The Germans panic and hide behind the bar. When the officer is let in, it turns out to be Crabtree, greeting them with what is to become his customary phrase "Good moaning!" When he informs them that the train has been blown up, by the RAF, the Germans are relieved.

Edith brings her mother food and at the same time informs her that Monsieur Alfonse has left her a little courting gift - he will probably propose to her. Meanwhile, René and Yvette are having a secret meeting in the backroom, which is interrupted by Michelle and Crabtree knocking on the window. They inform René and Yvette that the escape package which was dropped at the same time as Crabtree, was damaged when it landed. It is a hot air balloon made of silk, and now they must get their hands on as many silk knickers as possible to mend it. Maria comes into the room and tells René that there is a hearse waiting outside.

When René comes into the café to find out what it means, Edith tells him to go away, because Monsieur Alfonse has come to court her. He also wants to ask René - whom he believes to be the brother of Edith's late husband - for Edith's hand in marriage. They sit and Monsieur Alfonse tells them of his credentials - that he has his own funeral parlour with a few hearses and some horses. He also has eight gallons of embalming fluid, and one day he aims to have his own crematorium. He gives Edith time to think it over and leaves to carry out his business. His speech is punctuated by comic pauses in inappropriate places (e.g. to drink, or to cough), which means that his listeners constantly get the wrong end of the stick.

That same night, Monsieur LeClerc sneaks around town trying to get his hands on as many silk knickers as possible.

The next day, Helga comes into the officers' office telling the colonel that her silk knickers - with the little svastikas around the edge - have been stolen. A moment later, Herr Flick enters the office and tells them that knickers are disappearing everywhere. When he hears of Helga's vanished knickers, he gets very upset. He orders the colonel and the captain to investigate it - particularly that a suspect was seen going into the backdoor of René's café.

At the café, René seems sad and lost. When Edith asks what it is, he tells her he is sad because he still loves her and now he is about to lose her and the café to another. She offers him to stay on as an employee, but he says he could not stay, knowing that his wife was married to somebody else. He even starts crying (false tears at first) and this melts Edith's heart. She asks a few questions, such as "You mean you cannot live without me?" and "Do you promise to be faithful to me?". He nods at this, still crying false tears. When she asks if he still finds her as beautiful and attractive as ever, he also nods, but now, he cries real tears. Edith then decides to say no to Monsieur Alfonse and to marry René once more. Gruber comes in with some flowers. He found them on the café's doorstep and he says they are from Monsieur Alfonse, whom he understands intends to marry Edith. When she tells him that she will marry René, Gruber, who fancies René, gets very upset and leaves the café crying. As he does so, the captain and the colonel enter, enquiring about the stolen knickers. When René has called the girls (Yvette and Maria) and Monsieur LeClerc into the café, he explains they need the silk to make a wedding dress for Edith. When the colonel asks whom she will marry, Monsieur Alfonse, who has just entered the café, says "It is I!" When Edith tells him that she has chosen René, the girls also get upset and start crying. Monseiur Alfonse thinks René has humiliated and insulted him and slaps his face with his glove - thus challenging him to a duel over Edith. When René reads his card - saying "Swiftly and With Style" - he faints.

The Duel

René is hiding in the hen house from Monsieur Alfonse's seconds, who have come to make arrangements for the upcoming duel. Yvette informs him that the seconds are now gone. Lieutenant Gruber received them on his behalf. When René comes back into the café, he finds the colonel, the captain and the lieutenant sitting at a table, having a drink. When he learns that Gruber accepted the challenge on his behalf, he at first thinks that Gruber will fight in his place. However, Gruber informs him that he has merely agreed to be one of his seconds. René says he has no intention of fighting this duel. Edith then complains that he will humiliate her in front of her friends - she has invited the whole village to come and watch and are making plans to make money on the affair by serving food at the event. She also intends to wear all black and goes off to buy a new, black hat. René complains that she is not wasting any time anticipating the outcome of the duel. Gruber says he refused the use of swords, and agreed to pistols instead. After he has left, colonel Von Strohm informs René of his plan to save him from the duel. The next morning, when the duel is about to take place, the Germans will hold battle manoeuvres nearby with machine guns, armoured cars and troops. Just before the duel, they will "happen" to kill Monsieur Alfonse, for which they will not be punished because he is "only a Frenchman".

Herr Flick and Helga are in his headquarters, playing Monopoly. He receives a telephone call that he will soon receive a telegram. A few moments later, it is delivered by his assistant, Engelert Von Smallhausen. It is from his godfather, Heinrich Himmler, and informs him, that experts have re-assembled the blown up sausage, without finding any painting inside. He then realises that the colonel had replaced the false knockwurst (which he believes the colonel thinks contains the original painting) with an empty one to send to Berlin. Herr Flick goes to arrest the colonel and the captain, keeping Helga in his dungeon by handcuffing her to the chair, lest she try to warn the colonel.

René and Maria have a secret rendezvous in the broom cupboard under the stairs. When Edith finds them and wonders what they are doing, René says he is reprimanding Maria, since Edith does not want him to do it in front of the customers.

Monsieur LeClerc and three resistance girls are sitting in the backroom, sewing the balloon together with all the stolen silk knickers. Michelle tells René that the basket is ready to be attached to the balloon, and René tells them that they must be out of the room in ten minutes because the Germans are coming. They still need one more pair and Henriette gives up her last one. Yvette calls René into the café because there are customers coming.

Edith continues with the preparations for the duel. René informs Yvette of the Germans' plan to "take care" of Monsieur Alfonse, and she wonders whether they could "take care" of Edith at the same time. René agrees that it's a nice idea, but that it might be pushing his luck. Officer Crabtree enters the café and informs them that the British airmen are no longer dressed in their cow suit. The next moment, they both enter the café dressed as gendarmes. Since there are Germans approaching, René shows them into the backroom, where Michelle informs him that the balloon is ready and will be hidden in a barn five kilometres north of the village. When the wind is favourable, René will receive notice and guide the airmen there. Yvette comes in and tells them Herr Flick has been there, looking for the colonel. Since he has cancelled his table and ordered food to take away, René understands that Herr Flick will have dinner with Helga in his dungeon that evening.

When Herr Flick and Helga are having dinner, she is angry with him for still not freeing her because she cannot eat properly. However, Herr Flick does not believe that she does not know where the colonel and the captain are, and he also does not want her to be able to warn them. Von Smallhausen enters and informs Herr Flick that they have found the officers - out on manoeuvres.

At five o'clock the next morning, René and Edith are woken by the alarm clock for the duel which is to take place at seven o'clock. A few seconds later, somebody knocks on the café door. Edith thinks it might be somebody wanting to buy tickets to the event. René is upset that Edith has been selling tickets, but she assures him that it is only for the front row.

The girls open the door and let Gruber in. He has brought René's trousers for the occasion. He sends the girls back to bed and René puts on the trousers behind the bar. Gruber offers him his locket for good luck, but René was thinking more along the lines of a copper plate. LeClerc comes into the café, dressed up and carrying a mop and a bucket. He is to be René's other second, and is now to wash the floor as a preparation for the party after the duel.

Maria, Yvette, Edith and Fanny walk to the spot in the woods where the duel will take place. The villagers and Monsieur Alfonse and his seconds then approach from different directions. When Alfonse wants to be gallant and flatter Fanny by saying she must be Edith's sister, she thinks that his eyes are bad and offers him her opera glasses so that he will be able to see better to shoot. René gets dressed behind a tree and wears a coal scuttle under his shirt for extra protection. After Yvette and Maria have said their farewells to René, Gruber proceeds with the formalities and first asks if either party wishes to apologise. Alfonse tries to, but René will not hear of it - convinced that the Germans will "take care" of Alfonse. When the formalities are done and are ready to start, a motorcycle approaches. The driver leaves a message for Gruber, informing him that the manoeuvre has been cancelled because Von Strohm and Geering have been arrested by the Gestapo. The duel begins and the two combatants walk ten paces from each other, but René takes the opportunity to run away. Monsieur Alfonse fires at him and Fanny sees through her glasses that "his shirt is torn, he is not wounded, but there is a dent in his coal scuttle".

Herr Flick's Revenge

After René has run away from the duel, he is hiding in the hay from Monsieur Alfonse. In the hay, he meets the resistance, who are having a secret meeting. To help him hide, they have decided on a disguise for René.

In the café, Edith is singing for the customers and even Monsieur Alfonse has a difficult time accepting her singing, even though he tries not to show it. Suddenly, Michelle turns up and asks to speak to him in private. The three of them (Michelle, Monsieur Alfonse and Edith) therefore go into the backroom. Meanwhile, Henriette explains to Yvette that René is outside in disguise. After Michelle has explained to Monsieur Alfonse how important René is to their cause, they bring him inside. Gruber asks Yvette for a cognac, and some more resistance girls enter the café - René dressed as one of them. When he sees Gruber, he tries to hide his identity, but Gruber soon discovers it. When René asks Gruber not to give him away (meaning not to tell anybody of his disguise), Gruber misunderstands and assures him that he will not tell anybody that René is a cross-dresser. When more Germans enter the café, Gruber asks René for a dance, so that the others will not approach him and find out that he is really a man. While they are dancing, René gets notice that Michelle wants to see him in the backroom and he can retreat there.

In the backroom René gets another shock, as he stands face to face with Monsieur Alfonse. However, Alfonse tells him that he did not know about his importance, courage and bravery, which Michelle has explained to him, and therefore he has a very high regard for René and also says he cannot come between him and Edith. From now on, he will admire her from afar. However when he has left, Edith says that she cannot face her friends in the presence of the cowardly René. Michelle tells her to give the explanation that a bumble bee flew down his trousers during the duel and he had to find the nearest river to drown it. Maria enters the room to tell René that Helga has arrived and needs help. Before Michelle leaves, she says that the wind is favourable, so the airmen will leave by balloon that evening and René must lead them to the barn where the balloon is hidden. René asks where they are now, and they show up behind the curtain - also dressed as resistance girls.

After they have gone, Helga comes into the room and explains that the colonel and the captain have been arrested by Herr Flick. She also insists that René rescue them, and when he protests she says that they may reveal the complicated situation with the sausages under torture. When she is about to leave and René follows her, they are stopped by Herr Flick's assistant Von Smallhausen. After he has confirmed that they are René and Helga, he arrests René and orders Helga to come with them - all on Herr Flick's orders - to the dungeon in the Germans' headquarters. When they have gone, Edith and the girls do not know what to do, but Gruber says they must go over the heads of the Gestapo and telephones the one man who can stop Herr Flick- General Erich Von Klinkerhoffen- the ruthless general from Berlin who ordered Rene to be executed.

In the dungeon, captain Hans Geering, René, and colonel Kurt Von Strohm are locked up behind bars. René asks the colonel to reveal the whereabouts of the real painting, but the colonel will not hear of it. When Herr Flick enters the room, he asks if they are willing to talk, but instead, the two German officers try to talk him out of torturing them. Herr Flick does not agree and soon leaves - intending to return soon. Helga hands them a note which they think contains a plan. However all it says is "Have you got a plan?" Then they discover a sewer cover in the cell, which they open. It is too small for them to escape through, but people can stick their heads up or down it. Suddenly, somebody does stick his head out of it. It is LeClerc, who has gone through the sewers in order to find them. He brings a message from Michelle, again only asking if they have a plan. When he has left, Maria sticks her head out of the hole and René gives her a kiss. When Yvette sticks her head out, she gives René the three rings with the suicide pills. After René has kissed her too and she has gone, Herr Flick returns. While he plays the organ, he forces Helga to turn a wheel, which makes the ceiling in the cell lower towards them. As they are about to be crushed, they take the suicide pills. But the pills do not work. A moment later, general Von Klinkerhoffen arrives and orders Herr Flick to stop. Herr Flick explains why he is torturing them and that his authority to do so comes from Berlin. The general does not think it matters and at gunpoint, he demands that Herr Flick release the prisoners. When Herr Flick tells him that he has influential friends (his godfather is Henrich Himmler), the general still "wins" because his wife's sister is Hermann Göring's most influential mistress. When Helga is ordered to turn the wheel the other way (to lift the ceiling), she accidentally breaks the wheel, so the ceiling cannot be raised. However, the general shoots off the lock to the cell, and René and the officers manage to crawl out.

Edith comes up to her mother and tells her that she has lit a candle in church for René, whom she fears is no longer with them. Soon afterwards, officer Crabtree enters the room and wants to speak to London on the radio. When also the airmen have come in - dressed as resistance girls - the bedknobs start flashing. When Edith talks to London, she is informed that tonight will be the night that the airmen will fly away in the balloon. Then Maria comes in and tells them that René has been released and has returned.

When René and Yvette are sitting in the café talking, Michelle arrives (disguised as a café table) and once more tells René that he must lead the airmen to the coast that same day. René and Yvette tell her that no one is allowed to leave the village, since the Germans are on manoeuvre and everybody is under curfew. However, Michelle says social services are allowed.

The whole company take the airmen to the barn, disguised as a funeral party, led by officer Crabtree walking up front and Monsieur LeClerc in the back. Edith (wearing a moustache), Monsieur Alfonse and René (all in black) are driving one hearse, with Fanny in the coffin as the corpse, while Yvette, Michelle and Maria (also wearing moustaches and dressed in black) are driving another where the airmen are playing corpses in two other coffins. They are stopped by a German road block patrol, but when Helga tells the colonel that René is probably getting rid of the airmen this way, they are allowed to proceed. However, they are at once stopped again, by general Von Klinkerhoffen, who is rather suspicious. He lets them proceed when René shows him his mother-in-law and tells him that she has died of the plague.

When they have arrived at the barn and the sun is setting, they all wave goodbye to the airmen, who take off in the balloon.

Christmas Special: The Gâteau from the Château

The two British airmen are floating away in the balloon, while evening approaches. As the send-off party (René, Edith, Yvette, Maria, Michelle, Monsieur LeClerc, Fanny, Monsieur Alfonse and officer Crabtree) has waved goodbye, they decide to go back to the café to contact London on the radio and tell them the airmen are on their way. Meanwhile, Helga, Kurt and Hans are waiting in the colonel's car by the roadside, when they hear shooting. As they drive off to find out what the shooting is all about, they discover that general Von Klinkerhoffen has ordered a patrol to shoot at the balloon, to bring it down. The patrol shoots, and also Gruber (who has loaded his cannon with blanks). As everybody keeps missing the balloon, Klinkerhoffen shoots his own pistol at it, and it is hit.

As they have returned Fanny to her bed, its knobs start flashing. London says, in code, "Red Riding Hood must not go to the woods!" meaning "Do not release the airmen!" René replies "Red Riding Hood has already gone to the woods!" and there is nothing more for them to do. After they have signed out, Edith proposes a prayer for the airmen. As she, René, Yvette and Maria stand around in prayer, the balloon crashes through the ceiling.

At the Germans' headquarters in the château, Kurt asks Helga to inform them when general Von Klinkerhoffen arrives. After she has left, he tells Hans that they must tell the general they know nothing of what has been going on. As Hans really does not remember, the colonel gives a résumé of all the suspicious deeds they have done in the past, such as stealing the painting, blowing up the railway, helping the British airmen to escape, et cetera. He also mentions the pinching of the oldest cuckoo clock in the world, which was mentioned in the pilot episode but was not heard of again. He informs Hans that the plaster bust of himself on his table, conceals the clock, which is why the bust has a key in one of its ears. Hans winds it up and as the cuckoo starts popping out (pushing the nose of the bust back and forth), he gives the bust several blows until it is silent and still. It then looks like the colonel's bust has taken quite a beating, as the general enters the room a moment later, and a few seconds after him, Herr Flick.

The general informs them that since there has been much resistance work going on, he will take personal command of the security of the village and the surrounding area. He complains about the damage the resistance and the locals are doing. Secondly, he says the Germans' "amorous liaisons" with local women has proven fruitless (which the colonel and the captain can confirm). However, Herr Flick has for long suspected Edith of being a resistance leader, and the general therefore thinks somebody should woo her in order to gain her trust and confidence. Before he leaves, he appoints the colonel to perform this task. The colonel tries to get out of it but the threat of being transferred to the Russian Front by the general makes him comply.

Yvette is playing pool in the café when René enters the room. Edith walks in and finds them cuddling, but René manages to fool her with an explanation that Yvette was trying to change a lightbulb, after which Maria comes in and tells her that Michelle has arrived. When she enters the room and asks for the airmen, René shows them hidden in the two moose trophies on the wall. She then tells him that general Von Klinkerhoffen has taken command of the district, but that they cannot live under his tyranny and therefore they must kill him. Edith suggests that René strap dymanite on his person and, acting a suicide bomber, go the château to kill the general. Naturally he refuses, but this inspires Michelle to blow up the general in one way or another. She asks René what was the biggest break he had on the pool table, to which he replies that it was when Edith swallowed his story about Yvette and the lightbulb.

The colonel is combing his hair to make himself look nice when wooing Edith. As Hans comes into the room with some flowers for him to give her, the colonel says he has come to the conclusion that they must get rid of the general. He comes up with the idea of poisoning him by putting something in his food and therefore orders Hans to buy arsenic from a chemist.

That same evening, the colonel is sitting at a table in the café. René gives Yvette a jug of wine to give to Herr Flick, who is having a private dinner in the backroom with Helga. As Yvette points out that it is only half full, René tops it up with some water from a flower pot. René thinks that Herr Flick will not notice, but strangely the wine brings on Herr Flick's hay fever. After Yvette has left the room, Herr Flick informs Helga of his plan to kill general Von Klinkerhoffen. He takes off the top of his cane, wherein he has hidden a death pipe from the Kathari tribe of Western Borneo. One inserts a small poisonous dart and blows to fire it. The victim will die in ten seconds, under heavy convulsions, unless he or she immediately receives the antidote (which Herr Flick has in a pocket flask). When Helga asks if the general will not be suspicious when they use the pipe in broad daylight, he says that, in order to seem less suspicious, she will use a special cigarette holder, which he picks out of another pocket.

While Edith is singing to the customers, René has been eavesdropping at the door and overheard Herr Flick's plan. He thinks it is terrible, as he explains to Maria. A second later, Hans arrives at the café and joins the colonel at his table. The captain tells him that the chemist gave him a pill containing all his best poisons, which he gives to the colonel. They will mix it with the general's wine and after one drink, he will be dead. Hans also asks how the colonel's wooing of Edith is coming along and he says that he has decided that Hans will do the wooing instead. When Edith has finished singing, the officers reluctantly applaud her, and the colonel explains to her that the captain is a secret admirer of hers. The colonel orders champagne for them and says that if Hans plays his cards right, he will be upstairs with Edith in no time. When Edith tells René that the captain might be after her favours, René tells her to ask for supplies (paraffin, butter, sugar et cetera) in return. Edith and Hans sit close to each other and cuddle for a while, after which lieutenant Gruber joins them. He tells them that he has been appointed Aide-de-camp to general Von Klinkerhoffen. His first assignment is to arrange a party at the château to celebrate the birthday of the Kaiser, to whom von Klinkerhoffen is distantly related. The colonel asks if there will be wine, and Gruber assures him that there will. There will also be different foods and the traditional Black Forest cake. When Edith hears of this, she starts forming a plan and suggests that she cook the different dishes and that René serve them (with the intention of blowing up the general).

Monseiur LeClerc enters the café, disguised as a bread seller. He gives five breadsticks to René and informs him that they contain dynamite. Edith is to bake the Black Forest gâteau (for the celebration at the château) into which the dynamite will be put. LeClerc also gives René some candles to put on the cake, one of which is the fuse for the dynamite. The fuse is the one that has a small lump on it, like a little handle (the candle with the handle). When they are finished and LeClerc is about to leave, madame Edith waves goodbye to Hans. She says he went home because he had a headache, but all the supplies she has asked for will be delivered anyway.

The next day, Edith, Michelle and Henriette are preparing the gâteau in the kitchen of the café and place the five dynamite sticks in it. They also put the fuse candle on top of it, in the middle. René and Edith are hesitating about murdering the Germans but Michelle says they are the enemy and therefore must be killed. Henriette is then given the task of taking the gâteau and some chickens to the château. After she has gone, Fanny is heard complaining in the larder, where she has been forced to stay while her room is being repaired.

In the "broken" bedroom, the airmen are using the radio and have managed to get through to England. Fairfax is even talking to his mother. He tells her that he and Carstairs are in France "doing some decorating". However, he cannot give her their address, which she asks for, because there are Germans everywhere who might be listening. The connection is cut before they can get the information they were calling about - who won the Oxford-Cambridge boat race.

That same night, when the Germans are in the château, the girls think it is very quiet without them at the café. However, Edith holds a patriotic speech about their oppressors and then leads the customers of the cafe in singing "La Marseillaise". In the middle of the song, the Germans storm in and the entire café swiftly switches to singing "Deutschland, Deutschland" instead. The colonel silences them and forces all of the customers out, since the café has been "requisitioned by the German army". Herr Flick has found out there is a plot by the resistance to blow up the château, so they will hold the celebrations in the café instead. René panics about this, because he knows that the explosives are cake, and the whole café will be blown up. However, there is nothing they can do, and they must ask the Germans to pick a table. Meanwhile, the colonel gives René the pill, which he puts in his till ("the pill in the till"). When the general asks Helga to sit next to him, Herr Flick secretly asks if she has prepared the cigarette holder with the dart, which she has.

Hans go over to the bar and asks René for the pill that the colonel gave him. He says it contains a drug and is to be put in the general's wine jug ("the drug in the jug"). The next moment, Gruber arrives with the gâteau. René desperately tells Hans that it contains a bomb to blow up the general, and asks Hans to do everything he can to ensure that the fuse will not be lit. Hans informs him they have already made arrangements to kill the general by giving him the drug. The exchange is a homage to Danny Kaye's celebrated lines in The Court Jester (The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon, the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.):

Hans: "Do you not see that if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the The gâteau from the château!"
René: "Simple plots are always the best."

René puts a pill (a headache pill, he later informs Edith, since he will have no poison murders in his café) in the jug, and Hans brings it over the general. They all don German spiked helmets for protection, and then the general receives the wine from the "poisoned" jug (the colonel makes sure nobody else gets any wine from that jug). They have several toasts, but nothing happens to the general. When René comes to serve the chickens, one of them is accidentally spiked on the pickel of the general's haube. As he is a senior officer, nobody dares tell him. As they are approaching the lighting of the candles, René and the girls rush into the kitchen to get water and sand, to be able to put them out. However, Michelle stops them at gunpoint, since she wants the Germans to be blown up. Meanwhile, the Germans have more toasts, but nothing happens to the general. When they have toasted Hitler, the general allows them to smoke. Helga picks up her cigarette holder, but the general grabs it, before she can say anything. As there seems to be something stuck in it, he blows through it, accidentally (and unknowingly) shooting the dart straight at Herr Flick's nose. Herr Flick starts having a seizure, but after he has fallen on the floor, Helga gives him the antidote.

As Gruber informs the general that it is midnight, he lights the candles, in memory of the moment when the Kaiser drew his first breath. The Frenchmen panic and so does Hans (since they are the ones who know about the dynamite in the gâteau). He wants to go to the men's room and after he has whispered to the colonel about the dynamite, convinces the latter to join him. However, the general will not hear of it. Yvette and Maria try to get the buckets of water and sand out of the kitchen, but Michelle stops them again. Soon, the general blows the candles, in memory of the time the Kaiser drew his last breath. All candles are put out, except the one containing the fuse. As nobody seems to be able to blow it out, René rushes into the kitchen, where the girls and Michelle are lying on the floor, waiting for the explosion. Therefore, there is nobody to stop him grabbing the bucket of sand, which he pours over the cake. When the general gets upset and asks him what he is doing, he says "I did this in memory of the day that the Kaiser was buried". They all toast the burying of the Kaiser. Hans sees that René is about to drink the wine from the "poisoned" jug, but René tells him that it only contains aspirin.

References

  1. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "Six Big Boobies", archived at BBC Genome Project".
  2. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "The Wooing of Widow Artois", archived at BBC Genome Project".
  3. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "The Policeman Cometh", archived at BBC Genome Project".
  4. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "Swiftly and with Style", archived at BBC Genome Project".
  5. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "The Duel", archived at BBC Genome Project".
  6. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "Herr Flick's Revenge", archived at BBC Genome Project".
  7. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "The Gâteau from the Château", archived at BBC Genome Project".
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