Crazy as a Soup Sandwich

"Crazy as a Soup Sandwich"
The New Twilight Zone episode
Episode no.	Season 3 Episode 64
Directed by	Paul Lynch
Written by	Harlan Ellison
Original air date	April 2, 1989
Guest actors
Anthony Franciosa: Nino Lancaster Wayne Robson: Arky Lochner Susan Wright: Miss Thorne Laurie Paton: Cassandra Fishbein

"Crazy as a Soup Sandwich" is the sixty-fourth episode and the twenty-ninth episode of the third season (1988–89) of the television series The Twilight Zone.

Opening narration

“

As certain as death and taxes we are told that the meek will definitely inherit the Earth, perhaps, but not always. Consider if you will Mr. Arky Lochner, a well-known petty crook, sidebar six-for-five or shylock, registered coward, and owner of a yellow streak so vivid it could be slathered on a hot dog. Mr. Lochner was written out of the will when the meek were guarantied their inheritance and just now he is trying to avoid another kind of pay off, a soulful payoff, in that off-track betting parlor we call the Twilight Zone.

”

Plot

A petty con man named Arky Lochner fumbles and stumbles down a dark alley with something following him. A demonic creature, in the shape of a cloud, claims in rather colorful language that Arky is a fool and shouldn't have tried to outwit him. Arky claims he still has two days before the demon has the right to do anything to him. In the demon's moment of indecision, Arky runs off and into a building housing Nino's Toys and Imports. He runs into the office of Mr. Nino Lancaster and begs Nino for help from the demon, even though he owes Nino a great deal of money. Arky tries to explain that the money lent to him by Nino was spent to make a deal with a demon named Volkerps to pick horse winners in exchange for his soul. The only problem is the horses all died as they crossed the finish line, either packed full of dope or of other maladies, which caused Arky to not win a cent despite the fact the horses won.

Nino, oddly enough, doesn't appear surprised and decides to help Arky. First, Nino wants to know how Arky found this demon. Arky claims a woman named Cassandra Fishbein, who runs a beauty shop, located the demon for him. When she refuses to help, Nino finds a way to persuade her and demands a meeting with Volkerps immediately. Cassandra calls on Volkerps, but he kills her and then turns his eyes to Nino. Arky runs out of the shop with one of Nino's goons. They go back to the Toy and Import building, thinking that Nino is dead. But Nino shows up, dusting himself off and smoke coming off him. Apparently, Nino managed to get away but just barely. He sends his goons to get a hundred gallons of lead paint and cover every inch of the office, ten times over. Nino then leaves to presumably get something to help him defeat the demon.

Nino returns with a small stone box and waits for Volkerps to arrive around midnight. As midnight rolls around, Volkerps appears in the office with a flash of light. Nino tells Volkerps to cancel the contract with Arky and give him a million dollars, so as to avoid a severe punishment. Volkerps laughs at this, but Nino has Arky and his secretary close the door. Then Nino pulls something out of the stone box and uses it to strike Volkerps with bolts of energy. It damages Volkerps and then Nino uses the bolts of energy to drive Volkerps into confinement within the stone box. Apparently, Nino had dealt with Volkerps' father and trapped him within the box too. Now, all Arky has to do is make a deal with Nino.

Closing narration

“

Oh, Arky, Arky. Poor Mr. Lochner. In the magical, mystical bookie parlor we call the Twilight Zone, there's an old, old, very old saying: "Making a deal with a demon is seriously crazy. But making a deal with a master of demons, well, that's crazy as a soup sandwich."

”

The Twilight Zone (1985) episodes

Season 1	"Shatterday" "A Little Peace and Quiet" "Wordplay" "Dreams for Sale" "Chameleon" "Healer" "Children's Zoo" "Kentucky Rye" "Little Boy Lost" "Wish Bank" "Nightcrawlers" "If She Dies" "Ye Gods" "Examination Day" "A Message from Charity" "Teacher's Aide" "Paladin of the Lost Hour" "Act Break" "The Burning Man" "Dealer's Choice" "Dead Woman's Shoes" "Wong's Lost and Found Emporium" "The Shadow Man" "The Uncle Devil Show" "Opening Day" "The Beacon" "One Life, Furnished in Early Poverty" "Her Pilgrim Soul" "I of Newton" "Night of the Meek" "But Can She Type?" "The Star" "Still Life" "The Little People of Killany Woods" "The Misfortune Cookie" "Monsters!" "A Small Talent for War" "A Matter of Minutes" "The Elevator" "To See the Invisible Man" "Tooth and Consequences" "Welcome to Winfield" "Quarantine" "Gramma" "Personal Demons" "Cold Reading" "The Leprechaun-Artist" "Dead Run" "Profile in Silver" "Button, Button" "Need to Know" "Red Snow" "Take My Life...Please!" "Devil's Alphabet" "The Library" "Shadow Play" "Grace Note" "A Day in Beaumont" "The Last Defender of Camelot"

Season 2	"The Once and Future King" "A Saucer of Loneliness" "What Are Friends For?" "Aqua Vita" "The Storyteller" "Nightsong" "The After Hours" "Lost and Found" "The World Next Door" "The Toys of Caliban" "The Convict's Piano" "The Road Less Traveled" "The Card" "The Junction" "Joy Ride" "Shelter Skelter" "Private Channel" "Time and Teresa Golowitz" "Voices in the Earth" "Song of the Younger World" "The Girl I Married"

Season 3	"The Curious Case of Edgar Witherspoon" "Extra Innings" "The Crossing" "The Hunters" "Dream Me a Life" "Memories" "The Hellgramite Method" "Our Selena Is Dying" "The Call" "The Trance" "Acts of Terror" "20/20 Vision" "There Was an Old Woman" "The Trunk" "Appointment on Route 17" "The Cold Equations" "Stranger in Possum Meadows" "Street of Shadows" "Something in the Walls" "A Game of Pool" "The Wall" "Room 2426" "The Mind of Simon Foster" "Cat and Mouse" "Many, Many Monkeys" "Rendezvous in a Dark Place" "Special Service" "Love is Blind" "Crazy as a Soup Sandwich" "Father and Son Game"

Harlan Ellison

Novels & novellas	Web of the City Spider Kiss A Boy and His Dog Mefisto in Onyx

Short story collections	The Deadly Streets Gentleman Junkie and Other Stories of the Hung-Up Generation Ellison Wonderland Paingod and Other Delusions I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream Love Ain't Nothing But Sex Misspelled The Beast that Shouted Love at the Heart of the World Alone Against Tomorrow Approaching Oblivion Deathbird Stories No Doors, No Windows Strange Wine Shatterday Stalking the Nightmare Angry Candy Slippage Can & Can'tankerous

Short stories	Adrift Just Off the Islets of Langerhans: Latitude 38° 54' N, Longitude 77° 00' 13" W The Beast that Shouted Love at The Heart of the World The Deathbird The Diagnosis of Dr. D'arqueAngel The Discarded The Dragon on the Bookshelf From A to Z, in the Chocolate Alphabet Grail How's the Night Life on Cissalda? I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream Jeffty Is Five The Prowler in the City at the Edge of the World "Repent, Harlequin!" Said the Ticktockman Shattered Like a Glass Goblin Soldier From Tomorrow The Whimper of Whipped Dogs Paladin of the Lost Hour

Collaborations	Phoenix Without Ashes Mind Fields

Television work	"Soldier" "Demon with a Glass Hand" "The City on the Edge of Forever" "Paladin of the Lost Hour" "Gramma" "Crazy as a Soup Sandwich"

Adaptations	I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream "The Human Operators" "One Life, Furnished in Early Poverty" "Shatterday" A Boy and His Dog (film) "Djinn, No Chaser"

Anthologies edited	Dangerous Visions Again, Dangerous Visions Medea: Harlan's World

Non-fiction	Memos from Purgatory The Glass Teat & The Other Glass Teat Harlan Ellison's Watching The Harlan Ellison Hornbook

Notes

The episode's teleplay later appeared in Ellison's short story collection Slippage.
Wayne Robson would go on to play Mike Hamar, a somewhat similar character to Arky, in The Red Green Show.
In 1991 the story was adapted into a segment of NOW Comics' Twilight Zone comic book, illustrated by Neal Adams.^[1]

References

↑ "The Twilight Zone Premiere / Prestige Edition". Grand Comics Database. Retrieved 2016-03-16.

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