Cross-sex friendship

A cross-sex friendship is a platonic relationship between an unrelated man and woman. There are multiple types of cross-sex friendship, all defined by whether or not each party has a romantic attraction to each other, or perceives that the other is interested. A few theories have been developed to explain the existence of such friendships. Research has been done on why men and women initiate these relationships, how they are perceived by others, implications for children with cross-sex friendships, among others. Cross-sex friendships can also create problems for those involved if either or both have or ever had any romantic feelings for the other.

Background

Within the past century, cross-sex friendships have become more prevalent, especially in the United States. These relationships play a large role in social relations of both men and women. Cross-sex relationships can often be a cause of complications because of the potential for romance or sexual interactions.[1] Monsour (2002) defines a cross-sex friendship as a “voluntary, non-familial, non-romantic, relationship between a female and a male in which both individuals label their association as a friendship”.[2] However, just because these friendships are labeled as “non-romantic,” one cannot assume that there are no romantic or sexual undertones.

Guerrero and Chavez (2005) suggest that there are four types of cross-sex friendships: mutual romance, strictly platonic, desires romance, and rejects romance.[1] In a “mutual romance” cross-sex friendship, one of the participants wants a romantic relationship with the other individual and believes that the other individual wants the same. In “strictly platonic” relationships, the individual believes that the other simply wants to be just platonic friends with no thought of romance. In a "desires romance" cross-sex friendship, one individual wants the friendship to become a romantic relationship but does not believe the other individual wants a romantic relationship. In a “rejects romance” cross-sex relationship, one individual does not want the relationship to turn romantic, but believes that their friend does.[1] Each of these friendship styles are based on the goals and viewpoint of the individual. Other theories and research discuss the causes and benefits of cross-sex friendships.

Major Theories

Evolutionary theory

Bleske-Rechek et al. (2012) theorize that cross-sex friendships are a part of humans’ evolved mating strategies. Current mating strategies unconsciously motivate individuals to enter into cross-sex friendships because it gives them more opportunities to mate. As a result, individuals within these cross-sex friendships often develop attraction to the other individual, even when that attraction is completely unintended.[3] This evolutionary theory predicts that cross-sex friendships are formed by males for sexual access and by females for protection.[4] This demonstrates one way in which cross-sex friendships serve, in part, as a long term mating acquisition strategy. Having more opportunities to mate is an evolutionary advantage, however, being attracted to a cross-sex friend creates negative social consequences. This is especially true for younger adults who are attracted to a cross-sex friend, because these people report less satisfaction in their current romantic relationship.[3] Also, middle-aged adults tend to nominate attraction to their cross-sex friends as more of a negative than a positive.[3]

Social learning theory

In addition, social learning theory predicts that if cross-sex friendships are a result of the desire for sexual access and protection, this is because they are imitating other cross-sex friendships. Most popular television shows and movies suggest that the goal of forming cross-sex friendships is a romantic relationship. People learn from the friendships they see in popular culture and model their behavior after them.

The glass partition

Kim Elsesser and Letitia Anne Peplau found that the professional workplace environment and heightened sexual harassment awareness can hinder cross-sex friendship formation.[5] The barrier between men and women forming cross-sex friendships in the professional workplace is called the "glass partition" because of its similarities to the glass ceiling, which prevents women from reaching the top levels of leadership of corporations. The glass partition disadvantages women who work in predominantly male workplaces because women have less opportunities for networking. The glass partition results from fears friendliness toward a cross-sex friend will be misinterpreted by the friend and by co-workers as romantic or sexual interest, that humor may be perceived as sexual harassment by cross-sex friends, and that conversational topics might be perceived as offensive by cross-sex friends.[5]

Major empirical findings

Research has been done in the areas of attraction, protection, perception, cross-sex friendships throughout development, and touch and sexual activity between cross-sex friends. These studies find that there are some evolutionary and social benefits to cross-sex friendships. However, there are also some negative social consequences.

Attraction

Within cross-sex friendships, men judge sexual attraction and the desire for sex as a more important reason than do women for initiating their friendship. Additionally, men are more sexually attracted to their opposite-sex friends and have more frequent desires to have sexual intercourse with their opposite-sex friends than women are.[4] Bleske-Rechek et al. (2012) found that men overestimate how much their female friends are attracted to them. Women are less likely to want to date their male friends if he is in a committed relationship, but men have the same desire to date their female friend whether or not she is dating someone.[3] Bleske-Rechek et al. (2012) hypothesize that a man’s desire to date his female friend is not changed by whether or not their female friend is in a relationship. This is due to males’ mating strategies that focus around acquiring short term mates.[3] Furthermore, Bleske-Rechek et al. (2012) suggest that men would pursue cross-sex relationships both when single and in a relationship, while women would be less likely to pursue cross-sex friends while dating someone.[3]

Attraction within these friendships can cause challenges. Sexual attraction can arise for a variety of reasons in cross-sex friendships. In a study by Halatsis and Christakis (2009), participants cited social pressures and emotional vulnerability as reasons for sexual attraction arising in a cross-sex friendship.[6] A social pressure that may prompt sexual attraction between cross-sex friends is the perceptions other friends have of their relationship and emotional vulnerability coupled with closeness may provoke sexual attraction between cross-sex friends. When sexual attraction develops in a friendship, it can corrupt the friendship and individuals state that behavior often changes. Sexual attraction in cross-sex friendships is often dealt with in one of three ways: management of this attraction through communication or an internal decision not to pursue the attraction in order to preserve the friendship, a sexual relationship forms then dissipates, or sex becomes a part of the friendship.[6] When participants in the study by Halatsis and Christakis (2009) were asked about their experience with sexual attraction in cross-sex friendships, over 50% had experienced attraction, and over 50% of that group had expressed or acted on their sexual attraction. However, men had a tendency to be more attracted to their cross-sex friends, and a higher tendency to act on that attraction. Only 16% of individuals who had acted on their sexual attraction claimed that their friendship ended as a result, otherwise the friendship remained intact or transformed into a romantic relationship.[6] So, sexual attraction in cross-sex friendships does not have to mean the end of the friendship.

Reeder (2000) found that there are four types of attraction within cross-sex friendships: subjective physical/sexual attraction, objective physical/sexual attraction, romantic attraction, and friendship attraction.[7] Subjective physical/sexual attraction occurs when one of the individuals in the friendship is physically attracted to the other. Objective physical/sexual attraction happens when one individual thinks that the other is attractive in general, yet they are not attracted to the person. Romantic attraction within the cross-sex friendship occurs when one of the individuals within the friendship desires to turn the friendship into a romantic relationship because they believe he or she would make a good girlfriend or boyfriend. Friendship attraction is simply when an individual feels very platonically connected to his or her friend.[7] The four types can coexist together within a friendship or can occur separately. Furthermore, the type of attraction that an individual feels within a cross-sex friendship can change over time. Within Reeder’s (2000) sample, friendship attraction is the most prevalent type of attraction within cross-sex friendships. Even when participants felt other types of attraction within their cross-sex friendships, they prioritized their friendship attraction so that they relationship would not be ruined.[7]

Protection

Historically, women are more vulnerable due to their smaller stature and lesser strength compared with men. Thus, women have consistently needed to secure protection for themselves.[4] Seeking protection from men would have been an evolutionary advantage as women who do so increase their reproductive success, which has caused an evolved preference for men who are willing and able to offer protection.[4] Therefore, it is not surprising that Bleske-Rechek & Buss (2001) found that women judged physical protection as a more important reason for initiating an opposite-sex friendship than did men and that opposite-sex friendship is a strategy women use for gaining physical protection.[4]

Perception

The way in which other individuals perceive cross-sex friends can affect the friendship itself. Cross-sex friends sometimes face the audience challenge within their social groups, which occurs when other people assume that they are in a romantic or sexual relationship and the cross-sex friends have to present themselves as just friends.[8] Schoonover and McEwan (2014) state that since male-female romantic relationships are the norm, people may assume that cross-sex friendships have the potential to develop into a more intimate relationship.[8] The different types of cross-sex friendships will experience the audience challenge in different ways. Strictly platonic friends are least likely to bring about the audience challenge, while mutual romance are the most likely to face the audience challenge.[8] The number of cross-sex friends an individual has also plays a role in how their cross-sex friendships are perceived. When an individual has numerous cross-sex friendships, they are much less likely to face the audience challenge.[8]

Children’s and adolescent’s cross-sex friendships

Cross-sex friendships in childhood and adolescence often have an immense impact on adult cross-sex friendships. Successfully forming cross-sex friendships in childhood is often an indication that these individuals will be able to form positive cross-sex friendships later in life. Thus, early cross-sex friendships act as a blueprint for further social interactions.[2] Children’s social skills and behavior can be altered based on whether or not they have predominantly same-sex friends or cross-sex friends. In a study by Kovacs, Parker, and Hoffman (1996), they found that children who primarily had friends of the opposite sex were perceived to be more aggressive and less shy by others.[9] Furthermore, teachers said that the children with primarily friends of the opposite sex had lower academic performance and social skills. The results from Kovacs, Parker, and Hoffman’s (1996) study show that children who have a best friend that is the opposite sex have poorer social functioning abilities. Yet, when children have friends primarily of the same sex, but some cross-sex friendships, they tend to be more well-adjusted and have stronger social skills.[9]

Cross-sex friendships in adolescence are very different than in childhood. In adolescence, cross-sex friendships are not only more accepted by peers, but also can increase an individual's social status among same-sex peers.[10] In a study on adolescents in sixth through eighth grade, Malow-Iroff (2006) discovered that adolescents often use the creation of cross-sex friends as a road to popularity because children with both cross-sex and same-sex friends are more accepted by both sexes.[11] Adolescents mainly looks for cross-sex friends who are sociable, as they expect less from these friendships as they do from same-sex friends.[10]

However, there are negative results of having a cross-sex best friend during adolescence. Malow-Iroff (2006) found that adolescents with a cross-sex best friend partake in smoking and drinking at higher rates than their peers who have a same-sex best friend.[11] The study discovered that individuals with cross-sex best friends find their best friend to be more accepting of substance use than those who have same-sex best friends. Cross-sex best friends during adolescence may increase safety and health risks because of the higher likelihood they will use alcohol or cigarettes.[11]

Touch and sexual activity in cross-sex friendships

In cross-sex friendships, Miller, Denes, Diaz, and Ranjit (2014) found that when men believe the friendship to be strictly platonic, they are more open to touching their friend. However, when they think intimacy may be increasing in the relationship, they are less like to desire casual touching.[12] In contrast, the opposite was discovered to be true when it comes to women. Miller et. al. (2014), found that women report being more uncomfortable if touched by their cross-sex friend in a public situation than men did.[12] When there is touch between cross-sex friends, no matter how much intimacy is involved in the friendship, men tend to be more aroused by the touch than females are.[12] The researchers hypothesize that the research results may have been confounded by a social desirability bias because women may be less likely to admit arousal from the touch of a cross-sex friend out of fear of being negatively labeled by others.[12]

Afifi and Faulkner (2000) investigated instances in which individuals had sexual interactions with their platonic cross-sex friends. 51% of their sample had sex with their friend when they had no intention of pursuing a romantic relationship with them, and 34% of participants noted having sexual relations with their friend on multiple occasions. [13] Within Afifi & Faulkner’s study, of those who had sex with their friend, two-thirds stated that it improved their relationship and 56% stated that the relationship did not develop into something romantic.[13]

Nature/nurture

The biological basis for cross-sex relationships cannot be found in ancient human history, because the way humans conducted their lives is different from the way current humans do now. Up until 10,000 years ago, or for over 99% of homo history, humans’ ancestors lived their lives in a nomadic fashion, foraging in groups structured by reproductive partners and offspring — not unlike the way families are organized current-day.[14] Females began reproducing at an early age, and males practiced behaviors that showcased ownership over their female partners in order to safeguard them from other males. There have only been scattered ethnographic references to cross-sex friendships across cultures.[4] Therefore, for much of ancient human history, cross-sex friendships were not common. Today, men and women interact in non-romantic, supportive ways in all types of contexts: work, sports, education, and hobbies, yet these unions are not based on sexual intentions. Evolved mating strategies were mentioned earlier and can be dovetailed with this biological history.[3]

Controversies

Participants in cross-sex friendships face many challenges, including learning how to navigate the particular type of friendship. The four types of cross-sex friendship as defined by Guerrero and Chavez (2005) referenced earlier are: strictly platonic, mutual romance, desires romance, and rejects romance.[1] In addition, O’Meara (1989) originally stated that the four essential challenges cross-sex friends face are: 1) determining the type of emotional bond experienced in the relationship, 2) confronting the issue of sexuality, 3) dealing with the issue of relationship equality within a cultural context of gender inequality, and 4) the challenge of public relationships — presenting the relationship as authentic to relevant audiences.[15] Schnoonover (2014) built research upon O’Meara’s audience challenge and found that members of Guerrero and Chavez’s (2005) different friendship types may experience challenges differently.[8] For example, for “mutual romance” couples, members may be approaching the preliminary romantic stage of the relationship and if their romantic feelings feed into their behaviors toward each other, then they will be the most likely to be mistaken for a romantic couple. In contrast, “strictly platonic” friends should be the least likely the prompt the audience challenge.[8] “Desires romance” and “rejects romance” couples may also be subject to the audience challenge — if observers of the friendship see the member acting in a romantic manner or admitting romantic intent, the observers might be more likely to regard the cross-sex friendship as a growing romantic relationship more so than a friendship.

Another controversial question surrounding cross-sex friendships that is often raised is - after two romantic partners end their relationship — or more colloquially, “break up” — can they still be platonic friends? Kenny and Schneider (2000) found three major conclusions about cross-sex friendship with a romantic history.[16] First, rebranding a discontinued romantic relationship as a friendship is common in modern American culture. Second, there are particular predictors of whether a friendship will occur after romance. One critical factor is whether there was a platonic friendship before the romantic relationship existed. Because the partners knew how to navigate friendship with each other before romance, they were more likely to be friends afterwards. Third, the atmosphere in which the breakup occurred determined the likelihood of a post-friendship.[16] Kenny and Schneider (2000) cited evidence noting that a more significant indicator of an upcoming friendship is the communication in which the breakup occurred, not the individual who first initiated the breakup.[16]

Conclusion

Cross-sex relationships have made their mark in contemporary American culture. They have been explored in media outlets such as television, film, and music. Also, having “girl or guy friends” has become more of a commonplace option for young adult lifestyles. Cross-sex friendships can be beneficial as they allow males and females to become exposed to differing communication styles. Children, who, in general, have cross-sex friends, tend to be more well-adjusted and have stronger social skills.[9] In contrast, cross-sex friendships can also be a burden if one member has feelings and the other does not. Additionally, ensuring that an outside audience views the friendship as platonic rather than romantic poses a challenge. Looking forward, more research should be conducted on friends-with-benefits relationships (FWBRs), as many college-age students engage in this type of relationship, and thus more literature needs to be made available to define behaviors and strategies. In addition, research on same-sex friendships between homosexual individuals may prove interesting as well.

References

  1. 1 2 3 4 Laura K. Guerrero (1 November 2005). "Relational maintenance in cross-sex friendships characterized by different types of romantic intent: An exploratory study". ResearchGate.
  2. 1 2 "Book Review: Women and Men as Friends: Relationships Across the Life Span in the 21st Century. Michael Monsour, Mahwah, NJ, Erlbaum (Series on Personal Relationships); 2002. 277 pp. ISBN 0-8058-3567-9. $27.50 (softcover)". springer.com.
  3. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Bleske-Rechek, April et al. "Benefit or Burden? Attraction in Cross-Sex Friendship", "Journal of Social and Personal Relationships", 2012.
  4. 1 2 3 4 5 6 Bleske-Rechek, A. L. & Buss, D. M."Opposite-Sex Friendship: Sex Differences and Similarities in Initiation, Selection, and Dissolution", "Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin", 2001.
  5. 1 2 http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.489.7712&rep=rep1&type=pdf
  6. 1 2 3 Halatsis, P. & Christakis, N. "The challenge of sexual attraction within heterosexual's cross-sex friendship", "Journal of Social and Personal Relationships", 2009.
  7. 1 2 3 Reeder, H. "I like you...as a friend: The role of attraction in cross-sex friendship", "Journal of Social and Personal Relationships", 2000.
  8. 1 2 3 4 5 6 Schoonover, K. and McEwan, B. "Are you really just friends? Predicting the audience challenge in cross-sex friendships", "Personal Relationships", 2014.
  9. 1 2 3 Kovacs, D. M., Parker, J. G., & Hoffman, L. W. "Behavioral, Affective, and Social Correlates of Involvement in Cross‐Sex Friendship in Elementary School", "Child Development", 1996.
  10. 1 2 Winstead, B. A., Derlega, V. J., & Rose, S. "Gender and Close Relationships: An Introduction", "Journal of Social Issues", 1997.
  11. 1 2 3 Malow-Iroff, M. "Cross-Sex Best Friendship Influences on Early Adolescent Cigarette and Alcohol Expectancies and Use", "The Journal of Psychology", 2006.
  12. 1 2 3 4 "Touch attitudes in cross-sex friendships: We're just friends". wiley.com.
  13. 1 2 Afifi, W. & Faulkner, S. "On Being 'Just Friends': The Frequency and Impact of Sexual Activity in Cross-Sex Friendships", "Journal of Social and Personal Relationships", 2000.
  14. ↑ http://www.saexplorers.org/system/files/magazine/sae-mag-43j-books.pdf
  15. ↑ "Cross-sex friendship: Four basic challenges of an ignored relationship". springer.com.
  16. 1 2 3 "Cross-Sex Friends Who were Once Romantic Partners: Are they Platonic Friends Now?". sagepub.com.
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