Holy (Bottom)

"Holy"
Episode no. Series Two
Episode 005
Directed by Ed Bye
Written by Ade Edmondson
Rik Mayall
Produced by Ed Bye
Original air date 29 October 1992 (1992-10-29)

"Holy" is the fifth episode of the second series of British television sitcom, Bottom. It was first broadcast on 29 October 1992.

Synopsis

It is Christmas time in Hammersmith once again, and Richie and Eddie experience a Christmas miracle.

Plot

Note: There are now two different common versions of this episode - the original broadcast version and the extended version that appears on the series 2 DVD in some regions. Sections that appear only in the extended edition are noted in italics.

Eddie is awoken at 3:30am by Deck the Halls blaring from a tape recorder. It is Christmas morning in Hammersmith, and Richie has disguised himself as Santa Claus just to give himself lots of presents. Apparently, Richie performs this ritual every year, as Eddie has prepared a complex trap that leaves 'Santa' suspended by a noose. He only agrees to cut Richie loose after Richie pays him £10.

A bruised and battered 'Santa' makes his exit, with Richie appearing, in striped pajamas, mere seconds later. Ignoring Eddie's protests that he return to bed, Richie proceeds to open his presents, remarking that he has a huge pair of tights full of gifts while Eddie has an empty child's sock. Richie's gifts, however, are revealed to be individually wrapped ingredients for Christmas dinner, for which Richie insists on keeping track of for Santa's 'thank you' letter.

Turning to their 'big ones', Richie is frustrated by Eddie's excuse "It's the thought that counts" that his present is small - unwrapped to reveal an empty miniature bottle of Malibu. However, Eddie has a second present prepared for Richie: a play-telescope with a picture of Sue Carpenter in a bikini mouthing the poorly written words "Fick erf you sad, path-tic winker".

Richie's present for Eddie is far larger - an enormous, if rather cartoonish, self-portrait. Richie mistakes Eddie's disparaging remarks about the painting, believing he is being compared with some ancient master. Eddie uses Richie holding the painting high up to find the right spot for it... ultimately by smashing Richie's head through it."

After Richie insists (largely by removing the flex and causing the set's electrical wiring to burn out) that no one watches the television until the Queen's Speech (unless there is a Bond film on, obviously), they divide the labour up so that Richie is responsible for doing the cooking (it would appear that neither of the duo are looking forward to Brussels sprouts, but they must have them since it is Christmas) while Eddie must decorate the flat to make it 'all Christmassy'.

After Richie discovers that Eddie has drunk all the brandy, thus making it impossible to make brandy butter, Eddie produces from the fridge a flame-sustaining substitute: Vodka margarine - spiced up with a couple of cans of hair-spray.

Richie berates Eddie for not getting a Christmas tree but Eddie says that he has and reveals the tree which actually just a twig that cost £16 much to Richie's dismay.

Unfortunately for Richie, a kitchen accident ensues as he chops off his right index finger. Unable now to ring for an ambulance, Eddie comes to Richie's rescue, applying a tight tourniquet (namely his hands around Richie's neck) to restrict the flow of blood. On finding Richie's finger on the floor, he jokes with it for a moment before Richie snatches it back, replacing it on his hand and finding that it still works. After discussing the virtues of Eddie's sewing skills, Richie instead allows Eddie to staple his finger back into place.

After Eddie unveils his Christmas 'twig', adorned in large mains light-bulbs, which promptly catches fire when he tries to switch on its lights. After throwing it out the window Eddie ends up shutting the window on Richie's reattached finger, a brief fight ensues, interrupted by the arrival of their guests: Dave Hedgehog and Spudgun. Richie insists the group all drink a sherry-glass of gravy (Spudgun protesting heavily) before they take their seats for Christmas lunch.

Richie's culinary skills alas have deserted him - the potatoes have hardened to the point they can smash plates, and following a bout of bird-related innuendos he finds that the turkey has shrivelled to a smouldering lump of charcoal. Christmas pudding follows, only for Eddie's vodka margarine to prove overly good at sustaining a flame, resulting in an extinguisher-foam covered table.

After the failed dinner, the men withdraw to the drawing-room, with Spudgun, Eddie and Hedgehog each donning paper crown hats from Christmas crackers, while Richie attempts to drum-up support for his Christmas charades game. An increasingly irritable Eddie puts a stop to this, demanding they each just have Goldfinger and pack it in.

Richie is drawn away by the ringing doorbell, annoyed that it may be charity collectors, only to discover a baby has been left on their doorstep. Introducing it to the others, Eddie is immediately offended, insisting Richie get rid of it, worried it would come between them, and commenting that he should have been more careful. The baby begins to cry and Richie places the cot on the table in front of them, covering his face with a towel to play peekaboo to quieten the child.

Sad that this newborn child has no home and no presents on his first Christmas Day, Spudgun decides to donate his box of Terry's All Gold chocolates to the infant. Eddie succumbs to guilt, too, giving the boy his Frankenstein's monster mask, while Hedgehog is compelled to give his bottle of aftershave - a new brand called Grrrr. Richie increasingly notices a pattern, finally realizing: "Gold, Frankenstein and Grrrr... and you're all wearing crowns! And I'm a virgin!" His blue "headscarf" clinches it for him, and he becomes convinced he is the new virgin mother of God.

Spudgun volunteers to change the baby's nappy whilst Hedgehog attempts to phone the Pope - surprised to find from the phone book that the Pope lives in Twickenham. Eddie, meanwhile, refuses to allow the arrival of the son of God to spoil his Christmas, and indulges in plenty of booze. Whilst Richie is rebuking him for this shameful act, the boys' landlord, Mr. Harrison bursts in.

Harrison reveals to a genuinely saddened Richie that the baby boy is merely his grandson Johnny left in a hurry because his daughter's mother had had a heart attack, and he is soon followed by his daughter. Richie and Eddie soon perk up, though, when she asks if she may breast-feed young Master Bates in their kitchen... Eddie and Richie look at her about to start breast-feeding, then shout "MERRY BLOODY CHRISTMAS!!"

Continuity and production errors

Cast

Cast Characters
Rik Mayall Richie
Adrian Edmondson Eddie
Charlie Biddle Johnny Bates
Tina Foley Valerie Bates
Steven O'Donnell Spudgun
Christopher Ryan Dave Hedgehog
Roger Sloman Mr Harrison

External links

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