List of Father Ted characters

The four main characters of Father Ted. Middle rear: Father Ted Crilly (Dermot Morgan), left: Father Dougal McGuire (Ardal O'Hanlon), front: Father Jack Hackett (Frank Kelly), right: Mrs Doyle (Pauline McLynn).

Father Ted is a sitcom produced by independent production company Hat Trick Productions for British broadcaster Channel 4, running for three series and a special from 21 April 1995 until 1 May 1998 over 25 episodes. The main characters comprised Father Ted Crilly (Dermot Morgan) and his fellow priests Father Dougal McGuire (Ardal O'Hanlon) and Father Jack Hackett (Frank Kelly), all exiled on Craggy Island living together with the fourth main character, housekeeper Mrs Doyle (Pauline McLynn). All four actors appeared from the first to the last episodes, from "Good Luck, Father Ted" to "Going to America". Pauline McLynn also played a nun in "Flight Into Terror", in which Mrs Doyle appears only briefly.

Main characters

Father Ted Crilly

Main article: Father Ted Crilly

Father Dougal McGuire

Main article: Father Dougal McGuire

Father Jack Hackett

Father Jack Hackett, played by Frank Kelly, is an elderly, decrepit, foul-mouthed, ill-tempered, lecherous[1] alcoholic priest who frequently lapses into violent behaviour, particularly when his fellow clergy deny him drink or try removing him from his armchair, where he is usually found sleeping (or, more likely, passed out). Left irrevocably damaged by his life of sloth, lechery and alcohol abuse, he rarely speaks in a coherent manner, instead expressing himself through a series of random shouted words (i.e., "FECK!", "ARSE!", "WHAT", "DRINK!" and "GIRLS!"). He regards Father Ted Crilly, Father Dougal McGuire and Bishop Brennan with undisguised contempt, although he seems to be more tolerant of Mrs Doyle; possibly because she has a fond maternal affection for him and frequently lavishes him with drink. However, when she once offered him a cup of tea, he was outraged and hurled the cup at her head. He is hinted as being mentally defective as shown when Ted calms him by showing him the colour blue or puts him to sleep by placing a box on his head. Despite this, he has been said to have executed careful plans such as hitting Ted with a car or placing a spider in his mouth (and in the episode "Flight into Terror", where he had the intelligence to escape a bad situation while the other priests were debating about it). Ted often treats him with an overgenerous level of respect, possibly because of his length of service (or out of fear of his wrath).

Jack is extremely violent, frequently lashing out at all and sundry. He apparently once kicked Dougal's bottom and also once even punched Bishop Brennan in the face, but most of his violence is reserved for Ted, who explains that 'whenever he'd hit you or whatever, he'd never do it out of spite. He'd do it because he thought it was funny...!'

During the episode "Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest", flashbacks of Father Jack's earlier life as an active (and sober) priest showed him to be a highly conservative fire and brimstone-style Catholic School preacher who enjoyed tormenting students with threats of eternal damnation and giving out heavy amounts of corporal punishment at St. Columb's. Another flashback implies that he had a less-than-healthy interest in the schoolgirls. Dougal also points out that Jack was the first priest to denounce The Beatles because "he could see what they were up to". In the episode, "Escape from Victory", Ted points out that Jack had once been on trial in Liverpool without mentioning what crimes he had been charged with, yet this episode reveals that Jack is an extremely talented footballer. Jack is held in very high regard by the other elderly priests, with one even exclaiming at his (premature) wake that Jack should have been made Pope rather than John Paul II. In "Good Luck, Father Ted", after Ted berates Dougal for saying he wishes he wasn't a priest in front of Jack, Dougal reveals that Jack once told him that "he didn't even believe in God".

While it is never explicitly stated why Bishop Brennan has condemned Jack to Craggy Island, it is mentioned in "The Passion of St Tibulus" that it has something to do with a wedding ceremony he performed in Athlone. In the episode "Tentacles of Doom", with the promise of more "drink", Ted trained Jack to say "That would be an ecumenical matter!" and "Yes!" so that he would be able to convincingly circumnavigate any questions put to him by a party of visiting bishops. Jack also has a fear of nuns, whether he is inebriated or not. He hates doing confession - partly attributed to his fear of enclosed spaces - and regards the sick and poor with contempt, referring to the needy as a "shower of bastards". It is later revealed that, according to his will, he has saved up half a million pounds. Ted partly attributes this to Jack's "never giving money to charity" and the fact that "he wouldn't wear trousers during the summer".

A recurring theme in the series, Jack's alcoholism has almost rendered him a human vegetable (although he had the presence of mind to find a bag containing an incriminating tape of Bishop Len Brennan when the latter threatened posting Jack, Dougal and Ted to places even less desirable than Craggy Island in "The Passion of Saint Tibulus"). He is constantly intoxicated and therefore permanently unaware of the people around him, except when they interfere with his daily routine of sleep and drink. Jack's drinking is not limited to alcohol, and he will drink almost any liquid he can get his hands on. Sometimes these strange choices of drink will have equally strange effects on Jack; Toilet Duck for instance causes him to experience hallucinations, and floor polish makes him temporarily appear to be dead, to the extent that he apparently actually started to decompose. However, his alcoholism has also left him with the incredible ability to tell what vintage a bottle of wine is simply from the sound of the bottles clinking together ("The Old Grey Whistle Theft").

In the episode "Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading", Ted observes that Jack hasn't been properly sober for twelve years, and when he does finally leave his inebriated state for a moment, realises to his horror that he's "still on that feckin' island" (which might explain why he turned to drink in the first place). His alcoholism makes it apparent that he has little memory for the names of household objects, as he picks up a spoon and demands to know of Ted, "what the hell is this?" In the same episode when he awakens from his drunken state he is startled to find that Dougal and Ted are the only ones in the room with him, demanding, "Where are the other two?" suggesting he usually suffers from alcohol-induced diplopia (double vision).

The drink has left Jack with scant regard for his personal hygiene; he is always depicted with a ring of scabs around his mouth, an unkempt stubble and stains down his clerical collar and smock. In "Tentacles of Doom" he is given a shave of his hair, but by the end of the episode it is back. Jack's aroma seems to vary but all variations are peculiar. In the episode "Night of the Nearly Dead", Eoin McLove points at Father Jack and claims "This one here, this one smells of wee" whereas when Ted is describing Jack to the Garda in "Hell" he mentions his colleague has a 'tremendous smell of vegetables off him.' Later in the second series, in "The Plague" Ted surmises that the rabbits infesting the parochial house are attracted to Jack, saying 'I always thought Father Jack gave off a sort of furry smell.' In the final episode, "Going to America", Ted imagines Jack as a kindly, grandfather-ly figure, seated in a rocking chair and dressed in a cardigan rather than his usual dark garb. He is also notably cleaner-looking and more handsome, without the scabs around his mouth or his milky eye, and is singing amiably.

For unexplained reasons, Father Jack stands to attention (and demands the same from all others) on hearing La Marseillaise.

Mrs Doyle

Mrs Doyle, played by Pauline McLynn, is the parish priests' widowed housekeeper. Her first name is not mentioned on the show, but is given as Joan in a script. Whenever a character speaks her first name, background noise suddenly erupts, masking whatever is being said.

Mrs Doyle is a hyperactive, repressed and somewhat insane parish housekeeper with an over the top zeal for her work. Obsessed with refreshments, she is often to be found preparing copious amounts of tea, cake and sandwiches; she disdains an automated tea-making machine, stating that she "liked the misery" of making tea, and was devastated when Ted buys her it for Christmas. She eventually destroyed it and convinced Ted that she was the right person for making tea. She even stays up all night "just in case one of you needs a cup of tea!".[2] Whenever Ted or somebody else refuses one of her beverages, sandwiches or cake she urges them on for some time, usually just by repeating "go on, go on", until the offending priest or guest finally agrees just for the sake of some peace. She then denies them the offered item[s]. In one episode, when Ted finally gives in, she decides that she is forcing him to have a cake, and tells him that he should just say no (which he had done several times), calling it a "word that Our Lord gave us to use when we didn't want any cake." She then proceeds to have the cakes destroyed.

Aside from simple domestic chores, Mrs Doyle also performs all the other tasks that need completing around the house, such as digging drainage ditches and mending the roof.[3] In this respect, Ted takes advantage of her work ethic and treats her like a general dogsbody. She frequently suffers accidents while attending to these chores, such as falling off the roof, falling down the stairs and especially plummeting head-first out of the large window frame in the front room.

Little or nothing is known about her personal life, except that she must have been married at some point, and previously spoke of having a sister. She has a dim view of sex, once mentioning how thankful she is that "she never thinks about that sort of thing", and in this respect appears quite conservative. In "And God Created Woman", when she and Ted are discussing the work of novelist Polly Clarke, she laments how much swearing there is in modern fiction and goes on a rant about the amount of sex in Clarke's books. She also becomes spiteful, condescending and visibly jealous whenever another woman comes into the parochial house, especially those who are good-looking or command the attention of the priests. She has several women friends on the island who appear sporadically throughout the series, and all look similar and speak in the same manner.

Graham Linehan has stated that he always thought Mrs Doyle originally met Father Ted by winning the Lovely Girls competition.[4]

Supporting characters

Bishop Brennan

Bishop Leonard (occasionally known as "Len") Brennan is played by Jim Norton. Brennan appears from the episode "The Passion of St Tibulus" until the episode "Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse".

Despite supposedly being held in high regard by the Catholic community, Brennan is a foul-mouthed, lecherous, hypocritical and sometimes even violent narcissist who despises Ted (for reasons that are somewhat justified, since Ted had indeed stolen money from a charity and lost it all gambling) and frequently casts a shadow over the lowly priest's life. He had been the one charged with punishing Ted, Dougal and Jack for their respective misdemeanours, condemning them to a lifetime of misery on the bleak, desolate Craggy Island. Despite this, he occasionally shows a small amount of concern for Ted, such as when Ted (deliberately) falls down the stairs to distract the Bishop from the rabbits in the house.

Bishop Brennan has several peculiar quirks that are exploited for comic effect on the show, such as his bizarre fear of rabbits (which had been caused by an incident in a New York lift) and extravagant lifestyle (in one episode he is shown lounging in a hot tub with a glass of champagne and a beautiful woman). Owing to their stupidity and alcohol-induced psychosis respectively, Dougal and Jack are markedly less afraid of Brennan than Ted is; Jack once even punches him in the face, causing his nose to bleed, while Dougal constantly addresses the Bishop by his first name, Len, despite being repeatedly threatened and sworn at by Brennan as a result (his responses to this include "You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!" and "Don't call me 'Len' you little prick! I'm a bishop!"). In the episode "The Passion of St. Tibulus", it is revealed that Brennan has a secret partner and love child in America.

Bishop Brennan visits the island on three notable occasions: first, when the blasphemous film The Passion of Saint Tibulus is being shown on the island. Ted and Dougal's earnest protest only attracts more attention to the film, with people flocking to the island to see it (some coming from as far away as Gdańsk). Bishop Brennan vows to punish the three priests by exiling them elsewhere in the world, in places even worse than Craggy Island. However, the Bishop changes his mind off-screen when Jack finds a video tape containing footage of Brennan with what is presumed to be his long-rumoured son and girlfriend (the boy's mother) on holiday in California, in a clear reference to the real life Bishop, Eamon Casey.

The Bishop makes his second visit to the island when Father Jack starts a habit of nude sleepwalking, which to Bishop Brennan's fury had been witnessed by an old and respected friend of his. Brennan once again has to deal with "the cast of Police Academy", as he describes the three Craggy Island priests. Unfortunately, he is totally unaware that a plague of rabbits has befallen the house. (Bishop Brennan had once been stuck in a lift with around a hundred rabbits, which "started to nibble at my cape, and everything.") When his suspicions are aroused by the priests' strange behaviour (and by some lettuce he finds in a cage) Brennan retires to bed, only to be woken up by Ted and Dougal who are getting rid of about a hundred rabbits, and by a nude Jack, who has been sleeping in the Bishop's bed.

As the result of losing a football match to Father Dick Byrne, Ted is forced to accept a forfeit: "Kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse". After Dick Byrne tells Brennan that an apparition of him is appearing in the skirting boards of the guest bedroom, he arrives with his escort, Father Jessop - the most sarcastic priest in Ireland. After much fooling around, Ted eventually manages to carry out the forfeit - acting on Dougal's surprisingly smart suggestion to kick Bishop Brennan and then act like he hadn't - Dougal's reasoning being that Ted's fear of the Bishop is so well-known that the Bishop will never believe Ted would do such a thing. After the kick, however, Bishop Brennan is shocked into a catatonic state that lasts well beyond the duration of his visit - until about half-way through a trip to the Vatican for an audience with the Pope. He snaps out of his stupor just as he is about to greet the pontiff, exclaiming "He did kick me up the arse!" and shoving the Pope aside and flying back to Craggy Island in utmost anger. Ted eventually manages to convince a raging Brennan that he didn't kick him up the arse, only for the Bishop to see the massive photograph that Dougal has had placed outside the house showing Bishop Brennan being kicked up the arse by Ted. Once again enraged, Bishop Brennan gets his revenge on Ted by doing the same thing to him - sending him flying ten feet into the air across the field.

In a DVD audio commentary, Graham Linehan said that he considers Bishop Brennan to be the arch-enemy of Father Jack Hackett, because Jack had had the potential to become a bishop, but failed - whereas Brennan had succeeded. Bishop Brennan is consistently addressed by other characters as "Your Grace," which is an unofficial salutation.[5]

Father Dick Byrne

Father Dick Byrne is portrayed by Maurice O'Donoghue. He appears in five episodes of the show, in "Competition Time"; "Song For Europe"; "Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading"; "Escape from Victory"; and "Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse". Dick is Ted's equivalent on nearby Rugged Island, and his bitter rival.

Ted's nemesis, Dick often manages to outwit Ted as part of their ongoing feud. It is unknown how the feud started, but Dougal once mentions a "Scrabble fiasco" (where Father Byrne manages to get all of his words to spell "useless priest, can't say Mass"). The feud has led to various ill-judged escapades, usually after Dick has telephoned Ted to tease him for some inadequacy or taunt him for some fault. These include fooling him on the phone into thinking that Dick had sincerely believed Ted's Eurovision song would be good, and winning the annual "All-Priests Five-a-Side Over-75s Indoor Football Challenge Match." However, there are also instances where Ted gets the better of Dick. Ted mentions an occasion where Dick had lost a bet with him and that as a forfeit, he had had to say "bollocks" very loudly in front of the (then Irish President) Mary Robinson. Ted also beats Dick in the Eurosong competition, despite Dick's song, 'The Miracle Is Mine', being given a standing ovation and being far superior to the Craggy Island effort. Ted states that he "really hates Father Dick Byrne!"

In the 2010 Channel 4 retrospective 'Small, Far Away - The World of Father Ted', Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews say - perhaps seriously or perhaps in jest - that Maurice O'Donoghue and the rest of the Rugged Island cast were each their second choices to play the main characters on the show.

Father Noel Furlong

Father Noel Furlong is portrayed by Graham Norton. He appears in three episodes of the show, in "Hell" and "Flight Into Terror" in series 2; and in "The Mainland" in series 3.

Father Noel is a very annoying and hyperactive priest whom Ted and Dougal hate spending time with. He runs the St. Luke's Youth Group and is first encountered during Ted's abortive caravaning holiday in "Hell". Here he invades the peaceful surroundings of the priests' rented caravan and keeps them awake at night, singing songs ("The Whole of the Moon" and "Dirty Old Town") and expressing his desire to tell ghost stories at six o'clock in the morning. He regales the helpless Ted and Dougal with tales of how members of the youth group have a habit of turning in "late" ("ten past the eleven") and succeeds in driving them out of their holiday home, which he then proceeds to tip over after having himself and the youth group perform a Riverdance routine inside it.

Father Noel turns up again in "Flight into Terror" leading Father Fay and Dougal into the cockpit of a plane. While there he inadvertently causes disaster when he allows Father Fay, who doesn't know he's a priest, but appears to believe himself to be a monkey, to see his reflection. Father Fay goes mad and jumps on the pilot sending the plane out of its path. The pilot screams at the watching Dougal to press the emergency button. The bumbling priest presses the wrong button, which results in one of the fuel tanks being emptied.

Noel's boundless energy results in him getting his group lost in the "Very Dark Caves" in "The Mainland", and, after performing a rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody, his attempts to start a "screeching competition" cause him to be crushed by falling rocks. His very last scene features him under the rocks with his hand sticking out, still in a very happy mood. His youth group then abandon him and head to Paraguay on Aer Lingus flights. Ted tells an apparent rescue service man to save Noel, but the man turns out actually to be an uninterested dustman. In the short scene after the credits, Noel is still under the rocks, clicking his fingers and singing "Fat Bottomed Girls".

Linehan has stated that he believes Father Noel to be asexual.

Minor characters

Father Larry Duff

Father Larry Duff, played by Tony Guilfoyle, is a friend of Ted's who always seems to be on the receiving end of some misfortune. The cause of these events is usually Ted calling him on his mobile phone. Examples of Larry's mishaps include driving off a cliff in his Ford Granada while looking for his ringing mobile ("Hell"), losing £10,000 in a TV gameshow when Ted interrupts his concentration by ringing him ("Cigarettes, Alcohol & Rollerblading"), getting hit while volunteering for a blind-folded knife throwing act, ("Tentacles of Doom") and being trampled by a herd of stampeding donkeys ("Flight Into Terror"). Occasionally Ted manages to get through to him, only to be informed he won't be arriving at a picnic as he is being investigated for weapons smuggling by the Army ("Old Grey Whistle Theft") or that he can't accept Ted's offer of rabbits as he decided to get twelve rottweilers instead ("The Plague"). Ted often mentions Larry as being "tremendous fun". He is apparently a good friend of Bishop Facks, who appears in "Tentacles of Doom". Despite his frequent injuries, he always returns unscathed in his next appearance. Despite being close friends, Ted and Larry are never seen together on screen in the entire 3 series.

The character has been referenced in Spider-Man 2099, with a statue of Larry replacing that of Francis P. Duffy in a scene depicting Duffy Square.[6]

Father Paul Stone

Father Paul Stone, played by Michael Redmond, is an exceedingly boring priest who featured in the episode "Entertaining Father Stone" and comes to stay at the parochial house every year. He is completely unable to hold a conversation and is more than happy just to sit and do/say nothing at all, giving one-sentence answers at best. He usually brushes off any attempted social interaction by saying something along the lines of "No. I'm fine". Despite his quiet persona, Father Stone's presence dominates those around him, leading to awkward and protracted silences which suck the life out of the room, ruining Ted's birthday party as a result. His unresponsiveness makes him practically impossible to get rid of, causing Ted and the others to go to great lengths just to avoid contact with him, such as going to bed extremely early or going out to the island's sub-standard crazy golf course in the pouring rain. When Ted prays to God with the intention of getting rid of Father Stone, he is subsequently struck by lightning after joining Ted and Dougal at the crazy golf course. He gets stuck in the same position as he was when he is struck, and surgeons are unable to remove the golf club from his hands, leading Dougal to comment: "he looks like a trophy". His grandmother and parents are alive and he is known to have one brother who is a doctor. It turns out that he hero-worships Ted and once drew a portrait of the two of them together.

Father Fintan Stack

Father Fintan Stack, portrayed by Brendan Grace, is a truly appalling priest who comes to the Parochial House as Father Jack's replacement when Jack contracts "hairy hands syndrome" and is sent to St Clabbert's (known informally among the priests as "Jurassic Park"). Father Stack's unpleasant habits, in which he engages solely for his own amusement, include:

His visit is abruptly cut short when he too contracts "the hair thing" after sitting in Jack's chair ("New Jack City"). Ted concludes that Stack is worse than Hitler, because not even Hitler would play jungle music at three in the morning.

Father Austin Purcell

Father Austin Purcell played by Ben Keaton, features in the episode "Think Fast, Father Ted". He is "the most boring priest in the world", according to Ted. The entire population of a village in Nigeria once sailed to their deaths on a crocodile-infested lake to escape him. He talks constantly in an annoying high-pitched voice about the most trivial and irritating topics, including central heating, insurance and "favourite humming noises". His conversation includes describing painting a house orange and building extensions on an extension, concluding "the house is in a circle now". Ted has to physically restrain Father Jack from punching Father Austin. After Ted allows Father Jack to leave he cries out 'Thank Christ' and promptly locks Ted up with Father Austin in his place. He claims to have known a woman once - "but she died soon afterwards". Purcell keeps talking even when no one is listening, at one point striking up a conversation with a sofa coverlet embroidered with Jesus' face.

In 2014, Keaton returned to the role, performing a stand-up routine and hosting pub quizzes entirely in character. Keaton also set up a Twitter page for the character, and a website where fans can purchase customised Father Purcell video greetings.[7][8] In 2015, Keaton began a spin-off web series, Cook Like a Priest.[9]

Father "Todd Unctious"

Father "Todd Unctious", portrayed by Gerard McSorley, appears in the episode "A Christmassy Ted". He turns up at the parochial house at Christmas claiming to be an old pal of Ted's; Ted has no recollection of Todd whatsoever. Ted is required to employ long-winded strategies to find out his name, without success. An attempt to get him to write his name fails, with Unctious claiming he once fell while running with scissors, completely severing the nerve that controls handwriting. Fortunately Mrs Doyle manages to guess his name in under an hour, after quite a number of increasingly ridiculous wrong guesses (including Neil Hannon, a reference to the Divine Comedy singer who wrote the show's theme tune). His behaviour disturbs Ted: he enjoys wandering around in nothing but his underpants, is not averse to showing Ted some of his more intimate scars, and likes shadow boxing. He turns out to be a thief who wants to steal Ted's "Golden Cleric" Award. It is also revealed at the end of the episode that Todd Unctious is not his real name.

Other priests

Unseen priests

Bishops

Nuns

Inhabitants of Craggy Island

Inhabitants of the Mainland

Celebrities

Miscellaneous

Pets and other animals

References

  1. ↑ The Passion of St Tibulus
  2. ↑ The Old Grey Whistle Theft
  3. ↑ Rock-a-Hula Ted
  4. ↑ Linehan, Graham (2 January 2012). "Father Ted - Unintelligent Design Part 2". YouTube. Retrieved 30 April 2012.
  5. ↑ "Roman Catholic Bishop". Debretts. Retrieved 1 April 2015.
  6. ↑ Byrne, Nicola (2 January 2015). "There’s a brilliant Father Ted reference in the latest Spiderman comic". The Daily Edge. Retrieved 3 January 2016.
  7. ↑ "Father Austin Purcell". Retrieved 21 April 2015.
  8. ↑ Smith, Gregor (November 2014). "Review: Father Austin Purcell delights crowd… within a two metre radius". The Linc. Retrieved 21 April 2015.
  9. ↑ Cuddihy, Tony (10 December 2015). "Video: Years After the Show Ended, This Father Ted Priest Is Still Going Strong". joe.ie. Retrieved 11 December 2015.
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